Tuesday Haiku

So much hurt and joy

Hard to know which one is which

Where am I going?


So here is where I am.  I have no real job.  Sure, I am working at Baird & Warner but what am I really doing there?  Nothing.  I am taking care of some friends and really they aren't pushing me to succeed.  I need that.  I need to be pushed.  I need to kick-start my life again.

So there is N.  And there is D.  And there is so much other shit that I don't know what to do.

So here is a little story.

You have this friend.  He is a good friend.  You also have a little bit of attraction to him.  You start dating someone that you know he has dated.  The guy you are about to date for a year is a piece of shit and he knows that.  But you date him anyway.  It's years after they dated each other and your friend really seems to be all for it.  You even ask to be polite before you start dating just to make sure.

Cut to almost a year later.  Your "boyfriend" comes over to your house and he is drunk.  And he's brought someone with him.  Yes that someone.  The someone who you kind of have a crush on and that you know dated your current "boyfriend."  So you have to go to bed to work in the morning and it is very late.  Your "boyrfriend" and his ex (your friend) are sitting on the couch.  Your couch.  Drinking booze.  Your booze.  And they are doing blow.  Your blow.  While you are trying to sleep in the very next room.

Now you may think that what I have just described is an awful thing.  It's not really.  It's typical for how said "boyfriend" operated.  What was more shocking to me was that the friend was there.  And was laughing.  Laughing at things like, "That Michael is really terrible in bed.  We have to blow each other because he just doesn't have the dick to fuck me like you did."

Again.  On your couch.

Now this is shocking.  Yes.  But what if you heard things like, "I like him but your dick feels really good right now."

Then, while you are trying to sleep, they start talking about the crush.

The crush that is obviously mutual to all of our friends.  The crush that you would love to be realizing rather than dating this piece of trash.  The crush that extends beyond sex and really feels like something that you can be proud of.

So you are lying there listening while they start to argue a little bit.  Your "boyfriend" shouts, "Well why don't you go fuck him then?  If you want to so badly, you go in there and fuck him!"

The door to your room opens and you can see their shadows on the wall.  Both of them.  You can hear them laughing.  You remain still knowing that they think you are asleep.  Your friend gets in the bed with you and you can hear the breathing of your "boyfriend" from the doorway.  He goes out into the living room to do more blow.  That was his goal in the first place.

Your friend who you have a huge crush on and wish were your "boyfriend" instead of the human trash that you are with begins to rub your body.  You really can't recall which part of your body.  And your bodies are very different.  Your body is soft and shaped oddly.  It's as if your lower body and your upper body have no connection.  Your cock is average and have no ass at all.  You are still confident in who you are and what you are but you still feel self conscious about being with someone who is much thinner and better hung.  It's something that you are working on always but you are still confident in yourself as a sexual being.

So he is starting to rub his cock on your ass.  What do you do at this point?  Startle awake?  Hope that he will cum in his pants and you can keep some shred of your dignity?  What do you do?

You lay there for a bit and "wake up" when he tries to climb on top of you and kiss you on the mouth.  Your "boyfriend" is standing in the doorway again.  Do you keep pretending to be asleep and let your current "boyfriend" watch you get molested by his ex?  Do you wake up and pretend to be offended?

I think you know what you do.

You tell him to get off of you.  You ask what is going on.  You really are shocked that this has happened and you use that shock to get the situation over with.  You tell them again that you need to go to sleep.  You tell them that they should be quiet.  You don't tell them that you have heard everything that they have said.  You keep that to yourself.  You know that they are drunk and won't remember.  You need that so that you have control over what happens in the next fifteen minutes.

So they go back into the living room.  And they play your video games.  And they continue to discuss what just went on in the bedroom.  And the conversation again turns to the sex between you and your "boyfriend" and the revues aren't favorable.  And there is a discussion about why the "boyfriend" is still with you after so many months.

And you wonder, "Why would a friend who I trust listen to what he is saying and not say something?"
He doesn't say anything.  In fact their conversation has dwindled.  And you can hear the wii game that they are playing is playing itself.

You walk out into the living room to tell them that you can hear everything that they are saying and that you need to get some sleep.

You stop.

As soon as you turn the corner you can see it and you stop.

Your "boyfriend" is leaning over.

Your friend has his pants open.

You are literally watching your "boyfriend" jack your friend's cock.

Just let that sink in.

You knew it was happening by what you heard.  You hoped in your heart of hearts that it wasn't happening but you knew that it was.  You stare for a minute hoping that it was just a trick of the light.

They hear you before they see you and yet they are still slow to react.  Slowly, while you are standing right there, your friend pulls his pants together and they both are staring at you.  They want you to say something.  They are literally waiting for you to say something to break this awful tension that is making you feel physically ill.  You want to say something too.  That is the worst part.  You want to scream at the top of your lungs until they implode with fury.  You want to tell them how bad it hurts to see what you are seeing.  You want to tell your "boyfriend" that he is a piece of shit.  You want to let the friend know how hurt you are because you secretly know that you and he would be perfect together.  You want to purge all of the horrible feelings that you are feeling and knowing that have to work in the morning that you don't need to deal with this right the fuck now!

What you really want to scream is, "NOT AGAIN!"

Because you know that this is not the first time that this has happened.  You remember the first crush you had on a boy.  Fred.  He was so attractive and interesting.  And you loved him hard.  Harder for you because it was your first taste of love.  And he was seduced by your best friend.  The same friend who broke Fred's heart knowing that he would come to you for comfort.  You had to hear how he hurt Fred.  And you knew he knew that you would never hurt Fred.  And that same friend did something else terrible to you and yet you still have to be friends with him.  And you begin to wonder if there is something wrong with you that makes you still accept what most people would consider to be completely unacceptable from a friend or a lover.

While that is all pouring through your fragile sleep-deprived head, your "boyfriend" comes running into your bedroom where you have ended up.  You didn't know you just walked away.  You just did while you were totally reassessing your life.

And he says something that you will remember for the rest of your life.

"You're so hot."

Not "I'm so sorry."  Not "It's not what you think!"  You are literally craving a cliche at the point that those words fall out of his mouth.  He doesn't even say, "I was drunk!"  Which is what you really were expecting him to say.

Your friend leaves.  Later he tells you that he was drunk and he doesn't remember what happened.  So does your "boyfriend."  That is their excuse.  Both of them.

You had planned a trip for you and your "boyfriend" and you can't get refunds.  You tell him that you are not rewarding his behavior.  You tell him how much you hate him more for what he said than what he did.  He doesn't remember anything that he said.  You tell him that he doesn't even realize why you are so angry at him.  He knows that.

He wishes so much that he could remember what he did so that he can go on the trip.  And the saddest part is that you really want to take him on that trip.  You know that you will have an amazing time together.  You are so angry.

This time, more at the "boyfriend" than the friend.

And your other friends really can't believe that you aren't angry at the friend.

But you are the only one who knows what really happened.  No one else was there and the other two people who were involved were so drunk and high that they aren't volunteering any information about what really happened.  No one will ever know about it.

And you still have to be his friend.